


To Want and Fear Wanting

by summoner_yuna_of_besaid



Series: Best Destinies [5]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Episode Related, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Mind Meld, Multi, Some angst, The Enemy Within, slow building romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 21:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summoner_yuna_of_besaid/pseuds/summoner_yuna_of_besaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones has been acting strangely ever since Jim's two halves became whole again.  What did his animal-self do to make the doctor so nervous around his best friend?</p><p>Determined to discover the truth, Jim goes to Spock for a mind meld.  What they discover will change the relationship between all three men forever.</p><p>Set immediately after the episode "The Enemy Within".</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Want and Fear Wanting

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beginning of the actual romance. Yay! While no one gets together here, some admissions are made (sort of) and some realizations occur. If these three could just get their acts together, they'd be together already! XP

It was completely unfair.

There, lying before him was a James Kirk who wasn’t James Kirk; or more correctly, was part of him, the instinctive part of him which chafed beneath logic and society and order. A James Kirk just as beautiful and passionate as the Jim Bones knew, without the mind and the soul. Just burning flame, just passion, writhing on the table, and it was so unfair to subject him to this.

Bones watched his patient thrash as he prepared another sedative, thinking over the repercussions of different medical avenues, unsure of what was viable given the unprecedented situation. Unconsciously, he reached towards Jim and placed a hand on his jaw, concern showing through his touch, and… and Jim leaned into it, almost nuzzled him. Bones jumped back like he’d been burned.

Horrified, Bones watched as Jim’s blazing, narrowed eyes turned on him, and an answering fire burst to life in his gut. That look was one he’d always desired, one he’d seen directed to all sorts of lovers, of all races and genders, but never at him. It was directed at him now, but only because Jim had lost his mind, had been divided between his id and his ego, and in this animalistic state would desire anyone at all.

And Bones felt a new kind of shame at that, as he thought, for just one moment, what it might be like to indulge. To allow his touches to linger on this body that wanted to be touched. But no, that was wrong; this wasn’t Jim, not completely, and in his right mind Jim would never desire him. Giving in would be a gross betrayal of his duty as CMO and as a friend. Burning with shame, horror, and repressed desire, Bones gave the man a sedative and turned away, hiding his face in trembling hands.

Later, watching Jim holding his other half on the transporter, Bones felt a twinge of regret. For a moment, he’d had a chance to feel what he’d always dreamt of feeling, but it would’ve been a lie. And watching Jim and Spock staring at one another, exchanging hushed words, their intimacy clear even with the distance between him, Bones felt his own hopelessness sink into his gut, his doom reaffirmed.

How selfish was he, to desire two men equally, and so much? It seemed like God was punishing him for it, by denying him both. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Jim was returned to himself and everything was back to normal. Or, at least, it should have been, but for the strange distance which had arisen between the captain and his CMO. Ever since the incident, Jim had felt Bones withdrawing from him, keeping space between them, and Jim wasn’t sure why. 

His memories of his time being split in two were clouded, foggy; he did remember some things, including Bones’ horrified face in the med bay, staring down at him with wide, terrified eyes. Whatever he’d done, it had clearly bothered the doctor badly. Guilt threatened to crush his heart, though he had no idea what he’d done, and he wasn’t sure how to bring it up to the doctor.

Finally, after allowing McCoy a week to sulk and scurry away whenever Jim came close, the Captain found him in his office, head buried in a pad.

He knocked on the wall, leaning on the doorframe, and then sauntered promptly in. “Have a minute, Bones?”

The man didn’t look up, merely grunted. “Not really. Got a lot goin’ on right now, Jim.”

Jim sat down across from him, crossing his legs at the knees and his arms across his chest. “I can see that. Number one on your list seems to be avoiding me.”

Bones’ hand faltered, and after a moment, he sighed and dropped his arms, glancing up. “What do you want me to say, Jim?”

Cocking an eyebrow, Jim shrugged. “You could start with explaining how I upset you.” Bones fidgeted, his eyes darting away. Jim narrowed his gaze. “I did something, while I was split into two, didn’t I?” He spoke with all seriousness, his tone much closer to Jim the Captain than Jim the best friend.

Frustration seemed to make the man’s face explode with color and movement. “Dammit, what do you want me to say, Jim? It’s in the past.”

“It doesn’t seem like it, since you certainly seem to still be dealing with it.” Jim insisted gesturing to his friend.

“Yeah, well, I’m dealing with it, and I’ll get over it on my own damn time.” Bones stood, practically slamming his hands on the desk, and Jim stood as he did with just as much anger, his shoulders back and tense.

“What the hell happened, Bones?” Jim tried to sound impartial, to keep his tone calm, but he was fired up now. “Why can’t you look at me? What did I do?”

Groaning, McCoy shook his head furiously. “It’s not you Jim! It’s me! It’s what I did!”

Shock drained Jim’s anger away, but before he could collect his thoughts and attempt to discover what it was Bones thought he’d done, the doctor stormed out of his office and disappeared into the hall.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Spock was preoccupied with an experiment when the Captain stormed in, which immediately caught Spock’s attention for three reasons. 

For one, by the look on his face and the way he was carrying himself, he was clearly upset. Cheeks colored by his human blood, fists clenched until his knuckles took on an unhealthy pallor, striding through the lab with all the purpose and speed he used during dangerous missions, it was clear something was on his mind. 

For another, it was rare to see Jim Kirk in the labs, much less by his own volition. He obviously had a reason, one which could not wait until later.

Lastly, it was simply because Spock always noticed Jim, wherever he was. That last thought was quickly shoved aside, along with the unacceptable emotions of longing which rose with it.

It did not surprise Spock when Jim immediately came to his side; since it was rather unlikely he needed any of the lower ranked science officers for any purpose. But he was surprised by what his Captain asked him for.

“I need you to mind meld with me.”

He betrayed his shock with one eyebrow, slightly raised, and a soft frown which displayed his dislike for being taken off guard. He could think of no reason for a mind meld to be necessary given the current situation. Not that he did not wish to; but that was a desire for a personal enjoyment he could not allow, and thus suppressed violently.

“May I ask why?”

The question didn’t faze the Captain, but he did seem disgruntled, leaning against the lab table near Spock. “It’s Bones.” Sighing, his head fell forward. “When I was divided by the transporter, something… happened. Bones has been avoiding me since then.”

“There has been a noticeable decrease in your interactions outside of duty situations.”

Jim nodded, crossing his arms. “I confronted him about it, and he gave me some bull excuse about it being ‘his fault’.” Gnawing at his lip, Jim looked back up at Spock. The look sent a stab of feeling through the Vulcan’s heart that he did not allow to exist long enough to examine. “There’s clearly something I’m missing, something I can’t remember. Bones won’t tell me, and I can’t reach it on my own.” Standing up, he turned to face Spock. “Granted, the good doctor hasn’t let this get in the way of his duties. He’s still an exemplary officer.”

Spock said nothing, merely inclined his head slightly. “Then this request is not in the interest of the ship.”

Jim seemed relieved to see Spock understood, if the softening of his expression meant anything. “I’m worried, Spock. Bones has been my friend almost as long as I’ve been a Starfleet officer, and to think I’ve somehow hurt him… hurt our relationship irreparably…”

Though he already knew he would agree, Spock weighed the choices in his mind and realized how dangerous it was to agree. Being in Jim Kirk’s mind… it was addictive, something he could grow used to all too easily. Each time he ventured into his captain’s mind in the line of duty, he found it harder and harder to remove himself.

Yet, as hard as that choice would be, harder still was it to see Jim standing before him, entreating him, and say no.

-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

They went to Jim’s cabin, and during the walk there the Captain found himself flexing his hands nervously. Had he made a grave error, inviting Spock into his head? Sure, the Vulcan had been there before, during missions when there was no other choice, in life or death situations. He’d never melded with Spock during relaxed times, when there was no fear driving them. What would happen? What would he see, and how would it change them?

Part of him was relieved. So many secrets he kept inside, so many things he wanted to say and couldn’t. Here, now, he had an excuse to allow Spock in to see his secrets. He wouldn’t have to reveal them, he could be a coward and let Spock stumble upon them. And if it wasn’t well received, well, they could set it aside as a mistake of the meld, as something Spock shouldn’t have seen, and they could pretend not to have shared it. At least, Jim hoped so…

Still, beneath the veneer of calm, Jim was panicking. This would change everything. But there was no going back, no more hiding. It was time for Spock to know the truth, and to act on it as he deemed fit. Part of Jim wondered if it might be well received… most of him realized it wouldn’t. But the idea of keeping it hidden for however much longer drove him mad. For better or worse, Spock would know, tonight.

They sat in his room, across from one another at his desk, and though he’d resigned himself to it Jim couldn’t stop his heart from pounding. Surely Spock could hear it, and perhaps it bothered him; Jim had never feared a meld before. The Captain fought the urge to cringe as Spock’s hands lifted, and realized that, whatever else, Spock would soon know the real reason for his nerves.

“My mind to your mind…”

Drifting… two beings into one mind; and then, they look into that time when one being became two minds…

...

Madness, wild madness, and a thrumming pulse that will not be silenced, like drums pounding against his mind, his heart wildly dancing in his chest…

The medic is there, above him, wide blue eyes all emotional, as they always are, and a touch he has craved touching him touches him then. He revels in it, enjoys what his feeble other half would never have, was too scared to have; and suddenly the hand leaves, and the medic jumps away, making delicious little sounds…

He turns and the doctor looks manic, but he is flushed, and panting, and feels the desire too, he knows it… his other self would overthink, would assume the man to be terrified, but he knows better. The doctor wants, and fears the wanting.

The other presence makes to leave, but stumbles upon the thoughts which had preoccupied him during their walk to his cabin, the thoughts he’d been ruminating on all afternoon. They flood the other mind in a torrent; desire, fondness, admiration, a craving which cannot be answered.

But now, in the wake of the memory, similar feelings rise for the doctor: desire, fondness, admiration, and a depth of craving made deeper by years, deeper than the need for the first officer, surely. And now, in the memory, comes the answer; the desire is returned, the chance is there.

And in the wake of that knowledge, what need is there, for the first officer to answer in reply to the wanting which is so pale in comparison?

…

When Jim rises out of the meld, Spock has already stood up and backed away, his hands behind his back. “Excuse me, sir” He mutters, and in a feat which is completely unlike him, turns and runs away. Jim allows it. He couldn’t chase after him if he wanted to.

His heart is sore and his brain numb, both which the exertion of the meld and the knowledge which now burdens him. In the very moment he’d decided to let Spock know how he felt, he found his old love for Bones was returned. In the very instant he had chosen to move on, he’d discovered there was still something there to have.

Oh, Spock… what could Spock have felt in that instant? Revulsion, that a human had such blatant emotions for him? Or, was there despair, that Jim wanted Spock, but wanted Bones as well?

Surely if Spock wanted Jim, he would have let it be known. Obviously, the Vulcan felt no such thing. Jim felt his heart sink beneath that realization. But Bones! Bones desired him, perhaps felt the depth of feeling for him that Jim felt! He had a chance with the irritable, wonderful doctor who’d always been there for him. Surely he should be leaping to his feet and running to the med bay…

And yet, he remained frozen, the image of Spock’s placid face floating before his eyes, the feeling of the man in his mind thrilling some deep part of him. Would that ever happen again? Would Spock avoid it, now that he knew the truth?

Jim should be grateful. He should accept what little the universe chose to give him. He should go to Bones and tell the man the truth.

But he didn’t. He slumped in his chair, his lidded eyes trained on the floor, his thoughts swirling in messy circles, always coming back to the same two people, both desired in different ways, both loved in unique manners. Spock… Bones… how can I chose? How can I chose?

He couldn’t.


End file.
